(574): bro, I licked the shit out of her last night
(314): The fuck?
(574): Fuck u. U know what I meant.
(314): whatever shitbreath =]

(901): Honestly... You fucked me so hard I almost went into a hypoglycemic coma and I had to call into work? Hands down... Best. Sex. Ever!

(559): The cowgirl- when your hitting it from behind pullout and stick it in her ass and call her by her sisters name.....then see if you can ride for eight seconds!!!
(1-559): Dude its three in the fucking morning.....what the fuck !!!

(936): No idea what the fuck happened last night. Woke up next to a ginger with bar tabs in my pocket, missed my first 2 classes of the semester and now I'm still wasted sitting in my history class with stamps from the bar all over my hands and a girl just told me I smell like alcohol. I love college

(615): Pancake & Booze Art Show.
(615): I think I have a new appriciation for art....

(817): I got some free snus if you want it. and btw when shelby is here I haven't smoked for a couple weeks
(214): haha alright and I'll take your anus
(817): excuse me?
(214): snus* fucking autocorrect

(903): Gotta love Texas girls

(214): sharing is caring

(440): Is this vagisil wash commercial a joke? This chick is out to lunch and she's worried cause her pussy smells. I mean, I understand after physical activity but damn.
(1-440): Dude I don't know. Why don't you call the company and ask.
(440): The girl was cute. What's that say about cute chicks with hot vagina? Now I have to watch out for cute sluts with rank pussy? WTF

(480): Drunkenly thougt this was my new iPhone. Cried for an hour because I though I had broken it.

(480): You like? They are new ;)
(602): No, I am pretty sure your walls have been painted for a while now...
(480): Oh fuck you then.

(480): Welcome home mom! That'll teach her to buy diet instead of the real shit.

(480): That's the daughter of the Guitarist from Slayer. Beat that.

(253): Dude, I just visited Jessy at work, some old guy was staring at her chest and she screamed at him, called him a perv, and refused to help him. She got fired... Turns out he just didnt have his reading glasses and was trying to read her nametag...

(510): Dude she wont stop crying...how the fuck did it come to this?
(1-510): WTF? Who? You went on a beer run over an hour ago.